Love

And I ll talk to you, like you are my lover,
and I ll take care of you, like you are the most precious thing in the world
I ll make sure you have everything,
I ll love you,
I ll smile at your conquers and cry when you are down
I ll do everything to see you smile
And you will fly, you will leave without saying goodbye
You won´t give any explanations, for you don´t need to do that
You will be free,
And I will miss you,
I ll think about you every day,
wondering how, where and with who you are,
And you will fly,
You won´t give any explanations, for you don´t need to do that

You will be free, 

And I ll smile. 

Silence

Where do I go when I need silence?
Sometimes there is nowhere to go, you just have to stay where you are and close your eyes, but you can´t close you ears... you can´t just stop your heart.
All decisions in life have a price... every trophy needs to be won.
I need to put up a fight. The hardest one, ever.

Long time ago I found out I don´t like the city, but I was too unsure, not brave enough to confront that feeling... confused, I didn´t know myself well enough to live up to that. Now that it is crystal clear and I am not afraid to put it into words, I am too close to get to my precious goal, too close to quit now. But it seems that the closer we get, the more difficult it becomes.

Anxiety, everything seems blurry and unreachable. I need silence, long and deep, deep, silence. No more stimulation, no more sounds, no more information. Silence. Long and deep, and a long walk.

Sometimes I wish a could express myself knowing that people are going to get them, they will catch my essence. I don´t really need to be understood by ¨the world¨ it is just that sometimes I really need to make and idea clear, but... I don´t understand modern communication and that makes it difficult, too much misinterpretation. I just wish we could talk soul to soul. But, does anybody believe in souls anymore? I doubt it more and more as I grow older.

Silence. I know that when all this is over I will say it was worth it, and I will, most likely, forget all the pain, and remember the good stuff.

Silence, and give me some more wine, and a cigarette please.

Many people and many things.

     Oh many things happened that 5th of May. I am pretty sure he got my letter. But... I was just thinking about his loving, ignoring what actually was going on... a friendship.
    Did hi discovered he is in love with her? Is he really? She made it clear to every one. I found it out, later of course, but it happened that 5th  of May.
    He sent me a letter that same day that I was thinking about his loving. Was it his loving that I was thinking about?
    A letter was arriving, a letter was taking off, a love was being shown and I was thinking... Can´t you see it?
    Later on, I discovered he is not a lover, he is a friend. And I discovered I am not a girlfriend, I am a friend. And we are friends, above all, underneath all.
   It is so clear now. There are no mistaken feelings. Because there is only one feeling, and its love. We will always be connected, because even what separates us, connects us, regardless of all.
   Friendship is the most precious treasure. And I am glad I get it now, he was just waiting for that to happened. He didn´t say anything. He made it clear.
    And I made it clear to him long time ago. He didn´t see then, but we all do now.

Thinking of you

Just like lovers do. 

Hug me

It is not about anyone else, it is about ourselves. 

We don´t have to go anywhere, we are there, we are here. 

It is not about impressing,

 it is not about making ourselves understandable.

It is just about stopping and seeing... 

you can´t help it, or force it, 

that smile just comes, sometimes even with tears. 

It is a state, so intimate, so pure, so unique.

That it makes you want to share it, 

but how? 

You just wish those eyes are reading, 

eager to hug you like you are doing, 

just now. 

Maybe that´s why I admire song writers, 

novel writers, 

and even brave souls that put themselves out there. 

Present

Far from ordinary. 

It is funny, cause I am here in the present. 

Without being pulled back or pushed further, 

the present seems... 

Empty of things to write about. 

There are no illusions, and no regrets, 

present seems..

white and simple. 

It actually feels, pretty, pretty nice 

Rainy day

    We were sitting on a branch of a tree. Harry was facing me, and I was facing him, but I was lower, kind of sliding back. My position seemed quite awkward to him. We were drinking mate, and he said ¨You are comfortable in positions I wouldn´t¨ There was a pause, and I just thought, how that happens to me in life a lot. I find myself in positions where I feel extremely comfortable, and most people don´t. Note that in Spanish the word ¨position¨ can be used, not only in the fiscal sense, but also us in a situational way. 

   And swimming trough what it´s considered uncomfortable by many people can be a whole adventure. I don´t perceive this uncomfortableness so I simply dive. Feeling how deep I am getting, and how nice it is to have that water run against your body, in the opposite direction, but letting you go deeper, and deeper, like saying ¨yes, go through me¨.  People question this lot. Mostly thinking you are putting up a character, to seduce, to look different. But to me, it is the way I live. In Ecology we study all these different species, and how each one uses one part of the pool of resources, or the different sites in an area. Some species are very generalist, finding them everywhere, but not where conditions are ¨stressing¨ (salinity, low oxygen, little nutrients), and there are some other species you only find them there, where conditions are stressing, because they can tolerate that. But when conditions are favorable, they can´t compete with the others. I like to think I am one of those.

   I was in school today, I went by bike. It takes me around 40 min to get there. In the middle of the class, it began to rain; we were all alert by it. Many of my classmates go by bike too. Those who don´t, said ¨you deserve it for playing to be hippie¨ One said ¨I do it because I am poor, not hippie¨ and I just thought, ¨I do it because I love bicycling¨, but I remained silent.  As we walked out, one of my friends offered me a poncho, lovely. One more time: the kindness of people shows up when you need it the most. My smile was bigger than anything, as if I had just got a new Mercedes Benz (I wouldn´t  smile at that actually).  And another friend asked me which way I was taking. He said he had a better one than the one I usually take. So I followed him. It was like a biking adventure in any forest. We went by places in school I had never seen before. And we talked, we shared our thoughts on many things, and we got to know each other. Then we said goodbye and I continued on my own. Smiling to people, singing, feeling happy with the rain. Enjoying the rain, so, so much. Being comfortable in that situation.  

   In the last traffic light I stopped, and what did I see? The raindrops hitting the water in the street. What did I see? Bubbles.

   The night before leaving Harry said ¨I just think you have the ability to find every situation special, or crazy¨ Maybe so, I don´t know, it just seems crazy, funny, and I fucking love it.

Go up

Go up, or go down.

Move further, and you will be closer.

Cry or laugh.

Doesn´t matter.

Because, regardless of all...

You are where you are, who you are.

And you are. You, by yourself, with yourself

You will see flowers, and butterflies,

and they will follow, nothing,

but the cycle of life.

Opposite forces

There are two forces, fighting for my attention, 

cellos of each other, they try their best to catch me, 

to get in my mind first... 

and from there, move on, to cope my hole body, 

and finally the intimacy of my soul.  

Those two forces are equally strong, 

and they are everywhere. 

They are caught by a line, that cuts me in two, too

and they go opposite ways, 

trying to take me with them.

Sometimes there is nothing I can do about, 

I can just let my self...

be.

Angastaco

You don´t need to know that much,

You don´t need a golden collar,

The hair doesn´t need to shine more, 

or high heels, 

much less you need a fancy bra

You just need to be open to surprises, 

smile to whoever comes to play with you

Just, because

Window about plastering

    Someone prepared the mixed for us (and a lot of people where moving from one place to the other, most were very focuses on what they were doing, some were just floating like bubbles). Us… the team would change constantly, some would leave, some new people would come. Some stayed long, some, just a few minutes - ike bubbles that got trapped in a corner and then gravity took them away again -and you will understand why.

   Phill explained and showed the technique. ¨Puff this is going to be really easy ¨we all though. But he warned us not to feel frustrated if the plaster wouldn´t stay and fall. He even gave us a capturing wood.

   Said and done. The stupid mix would refuse to stay. It´s as if they had this marriage with the wood, or the floor and refused to be separated (I think the mix and the roof don´t get along).  
   The one time the mix stays, it is a party !!!

   Soon enough Mercedes starts singing and acting childish. Of course, there is no other way I can act, there simply isn´t (unless I am too sad).

    Facing the frustrations of not being great at something is a challenge. Your brain knows you shouldn´t excel at it – You have never done it before – but your ego wants to be this special creation of the Universe capable of doing anything. I am not that person, I am never the best at anything, I have never mastered any art. And I am OK with it. I like doing a little bit of everything.  

   Facing the frustrations of learning… I guess we forget when we were little and we were trying to walk, run, and talk. 
    But once the mix stays, the reward it is remarkable!

   And when the day ends, your arms are sore, you smell like… I don´t know what. But your team is united, you had fun. And you look at the roof, and you know you finally got the mix and the roof to get along. And the wood and the floor are cool about it. It is a feeling very hard to explain. But I guess everyone who had done something frustrating and rewarding and the same time, will understand.

   At the end you are insanely tired. But it is like my teacher said :

¨ It is like making love, if at the end you are not tired, it was not worth it¨ 

Window about traveling.

I was nervous, I was scared,

I didn´t know what was going to happen, 

I didn´t even know what I wanted to happen.

I only knew I wanted to heal my heart, to heal myself. 

Most of all, I wanted to be unknown. 

And that happened, 

the grass was not green, but it felt like that.

Things changed, I changed, 

and people got to know me, but I was still a box to be explored.

I grew, a learnt, I healed, finally. 

And I got up again...

I was sad, I was excited, 

I didn´t know what was going to happen, 

I didn´t even know what I wanted to happen.

I only knew I wanted to expose my heart,  to expose myself

Most of all, I wanted to be unknown. 

And that happened,

the wind was really strong, and it felt like that. 

Things changed, I changed, 

and people got to know me, and I was a crazy clown to them.

I grew, a learnt, and I fell. 

Fell deeply.